Seven Coaching Habits That Can Make Managers Sound Out of Touch

If you had to take a guess at my age based on the photo accompanying this article, what would it be? I’m sure many of you are thinking, “Oh, golly, he couldn’t possibly be more than 35. He just looks so young!” But it may surprise you to learn that I’m a little older than that.

I’ll give you a few clues to see if you can figure out my actual age. When I learned my home phone number as a kid, it was FA6-2516 – yes, back when phone numbers still began with two-letter prefixes. My first-period class during freshman year of high school was typing, where my friends and I tapped away on manual typewriters (and used white-out to fix our mistakes). And when I started working in restaurants in 1992, we ran credit cards through those manual “knuckle-buster” imprinters that made a loud ka-chunk and left everyone covered in carbon paper dust. 

So, how old am I? Well, if you guessed 57, you are correct.

And if any of those memories sound familiar, chances are you’ve been in the hospitality industry for a while, too. Maybe you remember when training meant watching a VHS tape in the break room, or when the hottest new communication tool was a pager clipped to your belt. We’ve certainly come a long way since then, haven’t we?

It hasn’t just been the technology of our industry that’s evolved over the years, but also the ways we work, learn, and lead. Employees today look for collaboration instead of command, explanation instead of direction, and meaning instead of routine. What hasn’t changed is their need for guidance – only the way that guidance is best delivered.

That evolution is a good thing, but it also means that some of the habits we developed years ago don’t translate as well as they used to. A phrase that once sounded confident might now sound condescending, and a style that once showed authority might now come across as closed off. Most of the time, it’s not about intention, but rather about awareness.

And yes, I know I just opened with a bit of nostalgia, which is kind of funny, because the first coaching habit I’m about to call out is what happens when we use nostalgia the wrong way. But there’s a big difference between sharing where we came from to build connections and using the past to suggest that things were better, or that people were tougher, back then. The first invites empathy, and the second creates distance.

So, if you’re a manager, trainer, or team leader who’s been in the game for a while and wants to keep your coaching fresh and effective, this article is for you. Let’s look at seven habits that can make even the most well-intentioned hospitality professional sound out of touch, and how you can adjust them so your message lands where it should.

1. Misusing nostalgia: It can be very tempting to reach for a personal story when an employee is struggling. You see them frustrated with a task or overwhelmed by a situation, and the instinct kicks in: “You think this is hard? Let me tell you what was hard.” Maybe you’re hoping to offer perspective or encouragement, but it often backfires because what’s meant as helpful context can come across as comparison. The listener stops hearing your story (usually right after you launch into “Back in my day…”) and starts hearing that things used to be tougher, that standards used to be higher, or that they somehow don’t measure up. It unintentionally sends the message that you were stronger back then, and that everyone’s weaker now. That doesn’t mean your experience isn’t valuable – it absolutely is. But nostalgia works best when it’s used to normalize the struggle, not to minimize it. Instead of saying, “When I was in your shoes, I just kept my head down and figured it out,” try something like, “I remember how tricky this part of the job can be…what’s been the hardest part for you so far?” That shifts the focus from your past resilience to their current reality. It opens the door to empathy, invites conversation, and shows that you’re there to support.
   

2. Mistaking preferences for priorities: If we’re honest, some of the feedback managers give isn’t really about performance, but about personal taste. The way a staffer styles their hair, the slang that they use, or whether their apron ties in a perfect bow might not affect service at all, but it still triggers your urge to “correct.” The problem is that coaching from preference makes standards feel arbitrary. Employees start guessing what’s important and what’s just “that manager’s thing.” Over time, it creates frustration, inconsistency, and even distrust, especially when different managers have conflicting preferences. What one leader praises, another might criticize, leaving team members unsure of how to succeed. Before stepping in, ask yourself, “Does this affect the guest experience, workplace safety, team dynamics, or the reliability of the operation?” If the answer is no, and if it’s not something covered in your brand’s operations bible, then it’s just a preference. Save your coaching for the moments that truly matter, because your leadership capital is limited, and you need to spend it wisely.

3. Offering vague or unclear feedback: At some point, every manager has said something like, “You need to be friendlier,” or “Try to have more energy out there.” It sounds constructive, but it’s not actionable because employees can’t improve on guidance they can’t visualize. Good coaching focuses on specific, observable behavior, so instead of “be friendlier,” you could say, “When guests approach, make eye contact and greet them within a few seconds.” Instead of “take more ownership,” try, “If you see something running low, go ahead and restock it before someone has to ask.” Clear expectations will provide your team a concrete picture of what success will look like and a fair shot at achieving it.

4. Skipping the ‘why’: Many of us came up in an era when “Because I said so” was the end of the conversation. I still recall at my very first job at Playfair Racetrack in the spring of 1984, I asked my manager why we had to stack the chairs a certain way at closing, and he just said, “You don’t need to know.” Questioning a rule meant questioning authority, and that just wasn’t done. But today’s employees have grown up in a world that values transparency. They expect to understand the reason behind a standard, and that’s a good thing (it really is!). Explaining the ‘why’ doesn’t weaken authority; it strengthens it. When you say, “We use trays because it prevents spills and helps us deliver consistently,” you’re teaching the purpose, not just enforcing the policy. And when your crew understands the reasoning, they’re far more likely to internalize and repeat the behavior – not because they have to, but because it makes sense.

5. Avoiding vulnerability: Managers often feel pressure to have all the answers because after all, we’re supposed to be the experts. But pretending to know everything can make you less credible, not more, and employees can sense when you’re dodging or bluffing. It’s far better to admit when you don’t know and model what it looks like to find out. A simple, “That’s a great question – I’m not sure, but I’ll check,” will show your integrity, and it can turn uncertainty into an opportunity for shared learning. Leaders who model curiosity and humility will create environments where others feel safe to do the same.

6. Ignoring how communication has changed: When I first started managing, everything happened face-to-face. If you had feedback for someone, you said it in person. But the communication landscape has changed, and now we recognize that some people process information better in writing, while others prefer visuals or short reminders. Adapting to those preferences doesn’t mean you’re catering to convenience, but rather that you’re ensuring comprehension. If an employee doesn’t retain verbal instructions, maybe a follow-up note or quick checklist would help. If you’re explaining something complex, a short demo might be better than another conversation. The goal isn’t to make everyone adjust to your communication style; it’s to find the format that makes your message clear. Don’t think of flexibility as a loss of authority – it’s an increase in your effectiveness.

7. Ending conversations too quickly: Especially when your hotel or restaurant is busy, it can be tempting to provide coaching as quickly as possible: deliver the message, get a nod, and move on. But when you treat the opportunity like a hit-and-run lecture, you lose the chance to really connect and clarify. Employees may still have questions, concerns, or even completely different interpretations of what you said (and these issues are going to ultimately lead to slowed-down operations and frustrated guests). Instead of dismissing a confused-looking team member with a “We’ve already talked about this,” take a few extra moments to ask, “How does that sound to you?” or “What do you think would help you with that next time?” to invite a response. The goal of coaching isn’t just to say your piece; it’s to make sure the message lands, sticks, and motivates the right kind of action.

Coaching today’s workforce doesn’t require becoming someone you’re not. It just requires being thoughtful about how you connect. You don’t have to sound younger, trendier, or more relaxed – you just need to be intentional. Sharing your experience, explaining your reasoning, and staying curious about how others learn will help you build trust, foster growth, and lead in a way that feels both authentic and effective.

Hospitality will always evolve, and that’s part of what keeps it interesting. But no matter how much changes, people will always need guidance that feels human, and that’s something every generation – past, present, and future – can relate to.

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This article was based on my breakout session, “Coaching Without the Cringe: Guiding Young Staff Toward Professionalism” at CHART’s 108^th Hospitality Training Conference at Redondo Beach, California, from August 2025.